Hello hello,

In one of my last newsletters , I mentioned that “network design” was one of my main priorities for 2023. That includes making a plan for how to stay in touch with the people that matter to me.

I figured a good place to start was to audit my social networks. I was immediately overwhelmed by the thousands of contacts across social networks spanning decades of my life. University friends. Former Colleagues. People from various conferences. A dog with his own Instagram account I met in Turkey. (True story).

And yet, as my cursor hovered over that unfollow button, I felt a pang of uncertainty. To deliberately sever a digital connection in the age of relationship perpetuity seemed overly aggressive. After all, aside from the whims of the algorithms that choose what content we see, our relationships exist in a digital stasis forever.

Social networks enable us to cheat the natural order of things. In our ability to pore over photo albums and analyze status updates, we gain access to information that's generally reserved for a close friend without actually having to be one. We look at others’ profiles because we are nosy, and because we want to make sure we're not missing out – that we're on par with our colleagues and friends.

Furthermore, social networks create unnatural digital bonds that keep us entangled in unnecessary relationships. Most of the time it's harmless, but in certain cases (ex-boyfriends, toxic friendships) these relationships could be unhealthy.

We Need Organic Relationship Decay

It's this lack of natural relationship decay that is driving some of these behaviors. After all, while some relationships end explosively, the majority decay naturally in a slow and gradual process. We drift apart. We lose contact. We go through different life stages. We move away. It's just what happens.

Far from replicating this natural passive disconnection online, we are forced to deliberately hit the “Unfriend” button, severing the connection in a swift and decisive manner. "Unfriending" is seen as a digitally aggressive act, and can often carry social implications in the real world.

It's much easier to simply stay connected to these people online, even if we never communicate with them. Thus, we continue to be "friends" with people who aren't really our friends. Forever.

Is it really necessary to stay connected to such people? Of course not, but many of us do so because it’s easier than having to look your colleague in the eye and explain why you haven't accepted their friend request yet. We'd rather avoid that awkward moment, so we continue to broadcast pieces of our digital selves to an ever-growing circle that includes bosses, acquaintances, and distant relatives.

Why Unfollowing is So Hard

There are a few sociological concepts that might help to explain the fear of unfollowing people on social media.

1. Social Exchange Theory proposes that people weigh the potential costs and benefits of their social interactions and relationships. In the context of social media, some people might be afraid to unfollow someone because they perceive the potential cost (e.g., damaging the relationship, appearing rude) as being greater than the potential benefit (e.g., reducing distractions or increasing the relevance of their feed). AKA: it's too much trouble to start drama.

2. Social norms which are the unwritten rules and expectations that govern behavior within a society. In many cultures, there is an expectation that people will be polite and respectful in their social interactions, and unfollowing someone on social media might be seen as a breach of this norm. As a result, people might be afraid to unfollow someone because they are worried about violating social norms and facing negative consequences. AKA: it's digital etiquette to accept friend requests.

3. Social Capital refers to the resources (e.g., connections, information) that are available to an individual through their social networks. Some people might be afraid to unfollow someone because they feel that doing so would reduce their social capital, or the resources they have available through their social network. AKA: I might need something from this person in the future.

Setting Digital Boundaries - Engineering a Thriving Digital Network

Our social relationships are complex these days. I've been thinking about how to tackle this issue. Here's what I have so far:

1. Elevate your crew. Instagram's close friend feature, Facebook and Twitter Lists, and notifications enable you to separate the people whose updates you never want to miss. Starting with the people I adore and want more of is easier than the people I want to disconnect from.
2. Mute the Problems. There are social politics at play, so in some cases it might be easier to mute a relative or colleague who posts things you don't want to see than to go through the drama of unfollowing.
3. Pick the right format. I have a few friends who send out personal update newsletters and I love reading them. It lets me stay up to date on their lives in a time frame that makes sense to me. You might choose to follow a friend's blog or set aside regular catch-ups on FaceTime.
4. Unfollow the net-negatives. If there are accounts that don't make you feel good, then unfollow them. I used to have a few "hate-follow" accounts and I don't want to spend my precious energy capital on that this year. Bye Kylie Jenner.
5. Expand your network, but know your limits. Identify people you'd like to get to know better and set an intention to invest in that relationship, like checking in and engaging with their social content once a week. But be realistic about how much time you want to invest. Suddenly adding 15 new friends to your network might leave you feeling burned out and exhausted.

Maintaining connection with others is a key part of happiness. Managing and investing into our networks, making sure they are healthy and flourishing should be a regular part of our lives.

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Notes from the Web: NOT COOL, CHEF!

Last week, I wrote about how burnout culture is reflection of toxic societal expectations, and this is true across many industries including restaurants. Noma, the michelin-starred restaurant that was considered the gold standard of fine dining will be closing at the end of the year citing "labor-intensive processes and punishing schedulings cannot exist with fair, equitable, and humane work practices." Co-owner Rene Redzepi told the New York Times that working this way was "Unsustainable. Financially and emotionally, as an employer and as a human being, it just doesn't work." Oh, and remember precarious work? Well, apparently Noma depended on the UNPAID LABOR of over 30 interns who were expected to work 16 hour days.

Foush Updates:

Right now: I'm in the midst of a fast-draft cycle, meaning I am laser focused on finishing a "dirty draft" also known as a Piece of Garbage draft for two of my projects. Paired with a lot of travel this month, I'm putting my intention to be an "anywhere writer" to the test.

Next up: I'm headed to Paris next week for meetings for upcoming research on generative AI, the Digital Services Act, and Longtermism. Jesse is tagging along as we're both massively craving Nico and Sarah's legendary savory stack at Holy Belly 5. Fun fact: I plotted much of the murder in The Knowing sitting at one of the booths in the back, fueled by delicious coffee and pancakes.